On Water Baptism & Suicidal Plans

Today, I have the privilege of witnessing the water baptism of my cousin in law's wife. I wouldn't say I am very happy as I don't know her that well but nonetheless, I am happy to know that another person have been saved. In fact, when I went to her church, I am very surprised to see 55 other person is joining her in publicly testifying their faith in Christ. I had a book with me which I intended to give her entitled,"Destined to Reign" by Pastor Joseph Prince. In there I decided to write a message about the journey ahead with new life in Christ.

Source: http://www.selsdonbaptist.org.uk/Baptism.htm

This brought me memories of my own baptism and the early days of my Christian life shortly after. It was just a normal affair, where I wore something like a white dress ready to be immersed in a warm pool on a cold winter day. I have no great testimony to share on my baptism day unlike the lady I heard today of how the Holy Spirit transformed her from a wild, disobedient, sexually active and messed up person to one that loves her family and friends, responsible and obedient to the Lord. I was only asked if I believe in what the Lord has done on the cross for me and whether I will obey Him, to which I said yes. But I recalled strangers clapping hands, I felt the joy of warmth emitting from those spectators (as well as the heated pool) and when they played my favourite song, I felt life is worth the living because of what He has done.

Yet, far from feeling transformed to a better hopeful person, I actually contemplated suicide shortly after.

Somehow, on that faithful day not too long after my baptism, my rainbow-coloured view of the world collapsed. It all started when I received bad news from this girl whom I confessed I had feelings for. She basically said no. It was hard for me. I had a crush for her for nearly 2 years. In fact, I chose my twinning program and university on the basis of which she wanted to go to (but I had to leave for Australia 1 year sooner because the college sucks).

Feeling devastated and desperate, what would any normal person do? Seek solace and a listening ear? I quickly ran down the hallway looking for a person whom I thought I could confide to since I shared many other things with her. Turned out she was upset I somehow bugged her too frequently (we only knew each other for less than 3 weeks). It was quite quick for her really, she opened the door, told me she was busy and I should stop disturbing her for the rest of the semester and slammed the door at my face before I could get a word out of my mouth. Feeling desperate, I quickly ran to another friend staying on another building. He too, opened the door, heard my request for audience, brushed me aside as he apparently had to focus on his studies and keeping his grades up. No doubt the exams are in end of May but hey, who was I to fault them for preparing early?

Since no one cared whether I live or die, it was then I have suicidal thoughts. Afterall, with the friends I thought I had turned out to be mere acquaintances while I was stuck in a cold depressing winter all alone in a foreign land, facing the prospect of many loneliness days ahead, death seemed like a plausible option.

I immediately planned my suicide attempt. No, no drama for me. There is no need for a suicide note. It is too silly. Just end it quick as no one cares anyway. But what about the pain? Damn, I realised I need to overcome this snag in my plans. Well, perhaps getting drunk will help to increase my courage to just do it? So I decided to buy a six pack beer. Don't like alcohol actually and have zero idea of which hard liquor will do the trick. Also, too poor to buy hard liquor. Why I didn't consider downing red wine is something I still wonder until today.

Picture source: http://gallery.hd.org/_c/medicine/pills-and-suicide-bedside-AJHD.jpg.html

Anyway, the next course of action is which method to end my life with. Slitting my wrist? Too much blood and pain! Jumping onto oncoming vehicle and get run down? Too dramatic plus what if I don't die? No, no. Next is jumping off from a high building. That wouldn't work. I have fear of heights! Hanging myself? I looked at the ceiling and realised the building planners must have thought ahead as there is nothing on the ceiling for me to hand the rope. I guess I just have to swallow a lot of pills. I am not sure if taking a lot of panadols will work but what the heck, it is not like I have a lot of options.

After hastily downing two cans of beers, I wanted to puke. I couldn't go on drinking. But I have not reached the "right" intoxicated level to execute my plans. I realised how stupid and useless I was. It was then I cried. No one to turn to except God, I asked Him why did that love of my life rejected me? It was hard for me to accept that reality. 2 years of fawning over someone, waiting for her at that bus stop outside the college and the same cafeteria only to get a glimpse of her, finding all possible ways and gifts to please and impress her, it is a very hard fact to accept she just don't think I am the type. The worst part is, between the confession until her final decision, she went back and forth, giving me false hopes and of course ultimately, despair. Also, why are people so cruel? Why are His faithful disciples appeared to be only concerned for my welfare before I accepted Christ and there were none to turn to when I really needed someone to spoke to?

Anyway, I told God frankly I just want to end it. Instead, of getting zapped by lighting, He gave me a vision instead. It was a vision of the world around me crashing. I was trying very hard to cling onto the last vestige of a foundation which seemed to remain firmed despite the rest of the world falling into the oblivion below. I looked down and it was like a dark void with no end in sight. My hands were tired and I lost my grasp. But I didn't fall into the abyss. I looked up and I saw a hand holding one of my wrist tightly and firmly. The hand never let me go and I felt hope and peace replacing my desperation, anxiety and fear.

And just as the vision ended, an image of a person appeared in my mind. This guy? Lord, ok, I will call him. I hardly spoke to him before. It was then late at night but yet I called after looking for his name and number in the OCF directory. In a rather awkward manner, I told him about my depression. He quickly drove over and spoke to me, for the next 6-7 hours.

Picture source: http://unequalmarriage.typepad.com/my_weblog/devotion/index.html

This continued the next day and the day after next, almost every single day for many months until I flew back to Malaysia for my summer holidays. I was depressed but my depression was decreasing with each passing day thanks to this best friend.

Yes, God gave me my best friend. From being hi bye acquaintances, we became best friends. Perhaps He knew I needed to hear a caring human voice in that cold lonely night. As part of His sovereign right as the Creator of the universe, He could have vocalise Himself to let me know He is there and I need not worry but He didn't. Instead, He chose a human to do His bidding even if that would involve months of commitment which this person wasn't informed upfront about.

Until today, I never knew why my best bud spent so much time with me. He certainly could have used those time to do his revisions (which he did fine in his studies even with those pesky daily calls of mine, which in addition, must have deprived him much needed sleep and rest). His selflessness is something I doubt I will ever have. Yet, I thank God for His divine provision and my friend for being there for me at my lowest ebb.

It is from my suicide moments that I realised again that life is worth the living. Not for myself but for Him. It is a life redeemed for Him, hence who am I to waste it on some foolish vanity ideals? If He respected my right to choose and reap what I sow, who am I to demand for the then love of my life to love me back in equal measure based on my terms? Instead of allowing me to choose the path of death, in His mercy, He assured me the foundation of life is found in Him and not in the world around me. What died instead on that day is my rainbow tainted worldview which I suffered withdrawal symptoms when it abruptly ended in such an unexpected manner.

Deep down, I know God deserves perfect people but He never asked for us to be perfect prior to accepting us. Also despite knowing we are creatures that only seek happiness and prosperity, Jesus chose instead to give us stark warnings 2,000 years ago which still ring true today. If the world didn't spare God's Son when they nailed Him to the cross to die, why should they spare His disciples? Yet, He assured us He will be with us until the very end. That in some ways, encouraged me to soldier on as I know I am not alone in suffering in a less-than-perfect world filled with its own set of problems.

Back to my cousin in law's wife baptism, I decided to pen my well wishes message that she too will discover the joy of Christ in her life. I didn't write much about the journey she is about to have as it will be her personal moments with Christ. She may have difficult and disappointing moments in this life, but I am sure she too will feel the presence of the Lord who will carry her through and make her a stronger and more matured believer.