When you just feel like screaming

I am mad. Very mad. My adrenaline is now up from a screaming match I had with my friend. Normally, when my adrenaline is up, it is after doing workouts. But this high adrenaline is a biological response to cool myself down from the unnecessarily "discussion" I had. Admittedly, I am wrong to scream but I felt pushed to a corner. I felt very defensive. Perhaps I approached the issue the wrong way but I have that uneasiness and suffocation that comes by the probing and questioning.

The phone was ringing as I was in the middle of maneuvering in between slow moving cars. I hesitated when I saw the number. It is her. I wondered, Should I pick it up?

I did it out of hesitation. In a split second in between deciding to answer the call and answering it, a sense of dread falls upon me. Will she ask me those questions again? Those questions to me felt like a long list of questionnaires she has to fill up week after week.

She: Hi, how are you?

Me: Er... I am ok.

She: So how's things of late? I didn't really have a chance to meet and talk with you.

Me: Er.... Nothing special happened.

Source: http://www.pbar.info/images.html

Before I continue, you must wonder whether this is some sort of insurance sales person making a call right? At times like this, you will probably feel that I have better things to do than have small talks. Afterall, I need to overtake a slow Myvi driver who can't decide whether to be on the left or right lane.

She: Well, I haven't been seeing you around at our gatherings the past few months. Is there anything you would like to share?

Me: Er... I have been busy working. I have deadlines to meet.

She: Every Friday?

Me: Yeah, I have been loaded with cases to do and I have no choice but to work through Fridays.

At this point, I am already regretting answering that call. Why am I so stupid? Why? Why? Why must I put myself on a stage to be examined and questioned? Why? I am not sure but the feeling of being cornered isn't exactly dissipating.

She: Do you find our gathering nowadays unimportant to your life?

This really upsets me. Yes, I have tried my best to avoid her the best I could because of an incident at least 6 months back but to be shoved with this kind of question makes me damn upset.

Me: No. As I have said, I have work. I have deadlines to meet. My clients want their deadlines met. I am under pressure to perform to everyone's expectations. If you honestly feel I should come every Friday just to make up the numbers and I work in the weekends instead, then tell me that.

She (in screaming mode): What do you mean by that? Why are you being so defensive? I never asked to come to make up the numbers. Don't push this sort of blame game on me.....

At this point, I am no longer listening. Pushed to a corner and nowhere to run, I just yelled back. It was a good 10 minutes before both of us decided to stop the call.

Source: http://goldenblogs.blogsome.com/2007/11/08/why-i-hate-usc/

I told her what has been bothering me the last few months. I told her simply that I felt she doesn't really care about me but the main thing it is about making up the numbers. She denied vehemously. She said she just wants to know how's things with me. She talked about accountability, about finding out how's things, about friendship and "I have the right as a friend to know what is going on in your life". She was defensive, that's for sure.

I was shocked. Bewildered by that statement. Right to know? I told her upfront she can probe all she wants but I assured her I will not pick up her calls. I am fed up. Yes, that's your right. Make a call, send a SMS, e-mail, fax or whatever. But I can choose to remain silent. To ignore you for being a nuisance. This is what I felt. If you care as a friend, you would not just call me on a Thursday night to ask me if I am going to the gathering on Friday. If you care, you would send me an e-mail and pour out your concerns outright and let me know what you have been bothered with in your life before you ask me mine. If you know me, you will know that at times, it is not for me to make the first move. You make the first move. I will decide if I want to tango along. But when I hear statements like it is my right to know and you are accountable to me, I am pissed. What right is that? I know you are a lawyer by profession but that doesn't mean I am the accused appearing before the judge charged with some criminal offense.

I stopped listening or even bothered with her defensive arguments. I just outright told her off. I told her what happened months ago that started this attempt of mine to avoid her. Mind you, I was still attending that weekly gathering until perhaps 2 months ago. In fact, the last 2 gatherings I went was specifically because she weren't around and she needed people to be there to run the show. I volunteered if you are wondering. I am not against her. I just want to reduce the questionings I am getting from her. Anyway, back to my 6 months ago story. Basically, I called her to tell her I can't go that Friday because I am tired. I worked late the whole week before that. I just need to go home and rest. My house is situated at the other side of the valley from where my office and the gathering place is. She told me to try to make it. I told her I am really tired and I am not feeling well. She said I can rest somewhere first and then come for the meeting. I told her I can't. She persisted. I got upset. I just insisted and hung up.

My problem is I never confronted her on this matter. If I did think of her as a friend, I know I should. But at that point in time, I felt used. I am no longer a person. I am just a number. She denied it of course but this is how I feel. The sad thing is, everything when she calls/message/e-mail me, it is only about the gathering and asking why can't I make it. Can you blame me for being apprehensive. I just feel cornered. Now I am told my life is open to probing nevermind if there is such thing as privacy.

Wait... I am in Malaysia. Sigh...