Sorry guys and gals.
I went missing since Thursday because I made a difficult decision. No, I have not abandon blogging. I went to Hanoi.
I went despite knowing on Tuesday my mom is physically sick. I struggled. I weighed the pros and cons. Importantly, I wonder what people will say if I choose to go. Deep down, I really want to go. I planned for the trip since last year. But mom is going through a difficult phase now, which no one, including herself, asked for.
I spoke to my friend, Myrrkat. She has always been a voice of reason even though at times I don't quite agree with her on some matters. She asked the right questions, gentle yet firm enough to make me feel guilty. It is not her fault really. She merely pulls away the carpet where I have been stuffing my guilt.
Yet, I asked her anyway. Deep down, I wanted to hear, "Yes, you should go." What more from a voice of reason? Well, guess what? Predictably she said something along the line, "Ok, but would you consider canceling the trip since your mom perhaps need you now to go through the difficult phase?"
I reasoned and rationalised with her. I told her my presence besides her while agonising on what the outcome is will not help either. She then said something along the line, "That's true. But you may get worried sick wondering about the outcome is right? Wouldn't that spoil the trip?" I agree with her. I am worried but I will call her on Friday when the results are out. Also, the days ahead will not be easy. It will be months before we see any light at the end of the tunnel. I want to get over and done with the trip and put it at the back burner once it is done.
It is difficult to live with a mask worn to please others.
She affirms the logic of my argument on why I want to go but she is careful enough to leave sufficient space for me to fill it with guilt. Yes, it has been bubbling. In the end, I decided to go. It is not because I neither care nor love mom. I know very well my days with mom forgone will never be recovered. But mere demonstration of sadness of possible loss and hopelessness and showing physical solidarity when the results are out on Friday (postponed to Saturday since Thursday is Maulidur Rasul holiday).
Instead, to cease routine and/or pre-arranged activities will not give much comfort to mom, who is still very much alive and kicking. The last thing she needs to see should her appointed time nears is our willful act of preemptive mourning. So, to heck with what people will think about me going to a trip while mom waits for the results. Mom knows I care for her. That is good enough for me.
Anyhow, the general surgeon, who did mammogram and needle biopsy, diagnosed mom's growths to be on level 3. Mom has called the lady doctor and set appointment to meet tomorrow to discuss on what mom needs to do i.e. treatment and such from hereon. It will be tough in the coming months.
And my friend is right though. Mom's state of health has remained at the back of my mind throughout the trip. I hate it when she is right.
Yet, I asked her anyway. Deep down, I wanted to hear, "Yes, you should go." What more from a voice of reason? Well, guess what? Predictably she said something along the line, "Ok, but would you consider canceling the trip since your mom perhaps need you now to go through the difficult phase?"
I reasoned and rationalised with her. I told her my presence besides her while agonising on what the outcome is will not help either. She then said something along the line, "That's true. But you may get worried sick wondering about the outcome is right? Wouldn't that spoil the trip?" I agree with her. I am worried but I will call her on Friday when the results are out. Also, the days ahead will not be easy. It will be months before we see any light at the end of the tunnel. I want to get over and done with the trip and put it at the back burner once it is done.
It is difficult to live with a mask worn to please others.Source: http://www.masksoftheworld.com/Orient/China%20Mask%20Opera%203.htm
She affirms the logic of my argument on why I want to go but she is careful enough to leave sufficient space for me to fill it with guilt. Yes, it has been bubbling. In the end, I decided to go. It is not because I neither care nor love mom. I know very well my days with mom forgone will never be recovered. But mere demonstration of sadness of possible loss and hopelessness and showing physical solidarity when the results are out on Friday (postponed to Saturday since Thursday is Maulidur Rasul holiday).
Instead, to cease routine and/or pre-arranged activities will not give much comfort to mom, who is still very much alive and kicking. The last thing she needs to see should her appointed time nears is our willful act of preemptive mourning. So, to heck with what people will think about me going to a trip while mom waits for the results. Mom knows I care for her. That is good enough for me.
Anyhow, the general surgeon, who did mammogram and needle biopsy, diagnosed mom's growths to be on level 3. Mom has called the lady doctor and set appointment to meet tomorrow to discuss on what mom needs to do i.e. treatment and such from hereon. It will be tough in the coming months.
And my friend is right though. Mom's state of health has remained at the back of my mind throughout the trip. I hate it when she is right.
5 comments:
You know what?
This is a time where I really wish I was wrong.
It is going to be a hard time for you and your family. Stay strong and you and your mom will always be in my prayers.
Got your sms this morning. Do keep me updated and I'll continue keeping you in my prayers. I was listening to a guest speaker in church on Easter Sunday and she mentioned her sorrow when her own mum got sick and the inevitable happened. But knowing that God will be with us all through the way actually gave her the strength to go thru day by day, which I know He will be with you all the way. Miracles happened anyway. Maybe not often but having faith in Him really helps. I'll be behind you every way. Give me a buzz if you need to talk. :)
i am sure your mom will be another powerful testimony... like yours...
and dont be too harsh on yourself.
update me via sms where possible.
Dear
seaqueen: Thanks for the prayers.
zewt: Let's keep our fingers cross. Will send SMSes. Thanks.
Dear myrrkat,
Well, life is short. Let's not dwell in the past too much. Right now, I am more concern with the present and the immediate future. Thanks for the prayers.
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