That is how I feel after the meetings I had the past few days. Sigh... I feel like a failure. Everything that can go wrong, somehow did. I not only forgot important procedures, I felt like a let down to others. If only I spoke better. Why can't I be like my colleagues and bosses. I guess I am not good with words. Sometimes I wonder what am I doing here working in this organisation. I wish I can speak well. I truly do. If only...sigh...
How apt indeed is the statement above in describing that which I feel...
I don't want to find another job. This is afterall my sixth job in my entire working life and I like my working environment. Yet if I don't perform to their expectations, I would only be a liability to my employer. That cannot do. This is of course further compounded by inability to make my head pleased with my work. When she took over from my just-reassigned-best-ever boss, I had my reservations. She projects a no-nonsense image. Her methodical mindset and thinking is hard to argue against. However, she concedes/yields when it is appropriate to do so. Some, will never concede out because they are stubborn. In this she projects a pragmatic approach to working with others. Much indeed I can learn from her. Yet, she is not my just-reassigned-best-ever boss. Somehow, I sense a gap with her. Not that I don't with my former boss but with her, there is a noticeable gap. At times like this, I can only say I miss my former boss.
Two qualities I believe a boss should always have are sincerity and principle. Sincerity to her subordinates, clients and superiors and yet, principled to ensure fairness and equality with compassion to all. In some ways, my former boss manage to naturally project. As for my current boss, her principled self is one of her strongest projection thus far with her methodical mindset as a clear testimony to that. I like her firm and conservative stance. It is these anchor-like quality that form the roots of strength that is characteristic of my organisation. As for sincerity, I sense genuineness when she spoke to each and everyone of us. Somehow, she sees potential in everyone of us which she wants to develop. I wonder, how many passionate people can one find in their workplace?
From what I heard, she goes all out to bring up talents within the organisation. This has to with her assertive nature. Her side job is of course to be both cupid and venus for all the single colleagues and clients!...:P
Yet, somehow, I feel like I am testing her patience. But the timid me don't dare to approach her and ask her what areas I can improve on. Anyhow, I can roughly guess the areas I am screwing up like the one I identify above. Oh where oh where is the light at the end of the tunnel?
Source: So I am giving myself 1 year to improve. If I still suck at it, perhaps it is time to find something else I might excel in. The good thing is my organisation has semi annual performance reviews. That is an avenue I can use to approach my boss. In some ways, I look forward yet dread for this first half yearly review.
Oh well, this has been a crummy week. Disappointments after disappointments.
3 comments:
you are not alone. many other professionals suffer through the 'jahilliyah' age, but they won't tell you (malu ma). many get poor increment, bad bonusses. others may hop jobs, but many more stay put for fear that they will suffer worst elsewhere. i have it the best, i get threatened with either a lawsuit or a disciplinary action (for which i can be disbarred!).
brother, if you talk as well as your bosses, you will find your only contribution/function is only to talk.
i have met quite a number of MD and big bosses and notice how well they talk and articulate their ideas. Most of them project an impression of being smart and quick witted.
But slowly, I understand a fact that these people can talk and articulate well simply because they have to. They have to be good in this ( and only this), otherwise they will lose their functionality.
take care.
Dear
yin ling: sigh...if only we can get through it quickly...
kaki.ayam: haha... sadly, my job requires talking...
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