When Comfort Is Not Found Where It Should Have Been

I am getting the jitters. I can't recall when it started but I guess the earliest I can remember when it was at the beginning of this year. As I keyed in my overall program plan, it somehow hit me that the plans laid for the last few months are quickly falling in line and I realised the window to realising it is closing fast.

I have been going out with my fiance for the last eight years and 9 months. To decide sometime middle of last year to tie the knot before the Year of the Boar is out is kind of short notice but that is what we have set our mind to it. It is not easy, that much I agree. We are thankful we secured the venue we wanted but the amount of additional planning and execution is slowly wearing me down. I can't help it really since I have to do a lot of selection and decisions and frankly, I just want to go to sleep and forget about it. Yet, this is once in a lifetime event. Will things really pan out well?

I am really thankful many of my friends and family members help out but honestly, when push comes to shove, it is up to us alone to put things to action. Many people said it is easier to ask a wedding planner to do the job but seriously, we would still make the decisions.

Yet, at times I wonder, am I rushing too quickly? I am still not comfortable with living with my parents for the long term. Somehow I sense an underlying tension yet I wonder, am I the only one feeling it? In front of my parents, I have to put up a happy, jovial and care free expression. But deep down, I just want to sit in my room and listen to the music, read a book or just be somewhere else. Am I the only one I wonder?

When I reminded him he hass to be at the Church for the wedding rehearsal, you can see his expression change to glum and denial. Somehow, he finds that an unnecessary chore (but going through the trouble of building a big water fountain or annually switching flower pots, furniture acquariums and such all in the name of Feng Shui on the other hand is like a holy act instead). I know he hates Christians a lot. To him, we are a bunch of crooks out to swindle money which he classifies as akin to insurance sales personnel or any sales personnel trying to make a door to door living. Well, perhaps it is me he hates. I really don't know but belittling the faith at times do irk me. I just brush it aside by calmly explaining facts and reason to him. Of course, he finds that me having the answers all the time is rather too convenient and in the end, he insists he is right. Well, I am not going to argue with him. It is too tiring really. I just change the topic because I don't want an all out war of words. It is not worth it. I know he needs Christ above all else but he is just denying it.

Just yesterday I told my parents that to go to every table to toast is an impossibility considering we are going to about 60 to 70 tables during the dinner. My dad retorted with a "why not"? Somehow, it never occurs to him that if we are just going about thanking everyone for coming is a viable possibility provided that we do none of the following:

i) Yelling "Yum Shing" with everyone competes to see who can howl the longest continuously with the bride and groom,

ii) Getting everyone ready for photos and taking a photograph with all the guests table by table, and

iii) Beat the first aunty or uncle attempting to leave to the door to greet them because he/she believes it is bad luck to eat the last two dishes because they so happen to be from the bride's side.

Yet he will have none of that. I am tired of giving in to his nonsensical demands. On that day itself, I will just tell him "No" we can't do item i) to iii). I will just go with the flow as usual and I am not going to argue knowing the physical and timing limitation. If he doesn't like it, he just has to live with it. Oh well...