I had an interesting lunch today with my church mates at one of those Nasi Lemak Antarabangsa outlets which of late are springing up at various places. I heard much about it and seriously after trying it out, it is just so-so. I was told by my wife the original is better. Oh well...
But the most interesting topic started just awhile back after church service. I was talking to a fellow cell group member (No, i am not involved in some sleeper cell activities waiting to bring terror on this nation. It is just a regular gathering of fellow Christians to share the good Word and fellowship) and it dawns upon me that my current cell leader will be leaving soon if all things go according to plan. You see, she is now seeing someone and if things work out, she will marry. Going by tradition, the bride usually follows the groom and having met the would-be groom for the first time (prim, proper and shy/solemn/serious), I think that is the most probably outcome.
At the same time, she bore much burden which I left her when I stepped down from my role as a cell leader (which by the way included me ceasing from participating in cell activities for almost 2 years). She did well however, having grew the cell to a big group of dedicated Christians who now plays bigger role in the church, something which I doubt I could do during my "term".
But it dawns upon me something which I find very disturbing. Despite the growth, there is no "right" leader raised to replace her. I find it disturbing enough when I was told the pastor of our church will takeover the "cell leadership". I could think of various candidates of hand but sadly, it is either former cell leaders or our Filipino brothers who are here on working permits who most unlikely to make Malaysia as their second home (I wonder why *grin*).
So anyway, as I spoke to my sister-in-Christ, she asked if I would be interested to "come back". Seriously, it never dawns upon me to serve again. You see, I felt trepidation to even continue in my role as a Sunday school teacher, what more back to serving as cell leader. In some ways, I have lost connection to the cell, as it has evolved much and there are now many new faces I am not familiar with. And increasingly, I find values at work contradicts with me (which is still bearable for now since I have not crossed the barrier! (though almost and twice at that with the second occurring in Jakarta but that is a different story for another time)).
I told her, I am quite reluctant. I am quite forthright in stating why i.e. I don't like to conform to a system which tells me I have to attend prayers on Tuesdays in church or courses organised by the church simply because I should be seen to set an example.
What if I am just like everyone else? What if I just want to enjoy my Tuesdays running on a thread mill to keep my ever-increasing weight? Or perhaps just enjoy a cuppa somewhere listening to background jazz in some coffee outlet instead of fighting sleep in some courses? Is it so wrong just to say no? The life of a leader is no longer your own but it will now belong to a corporate body and greater accountability will now be called for.
Between hypocrisy at work and church, is there any difference? So yes, I love my boundaries and I am not prepared to sacrifice it, more so for the sake of fulfilling something I don't think I have a calling for. I may do the Word aspect of cell every Fridays but I am certainly very reluctant to beat the jam just to show up at 8.30 pm to sign off for some course.
Anyway, I told her, I am willing to return to cell to fill in the gaps for the Word aspect (if there is such a need), but cell leadership is to me a synonym for "once bitten, twice shy". Then again, who am I anyway? Aren't I just a tiny speck in the whole creation? I am sure there are many who can be called, if only they are given a chance. If I am anything, perhaps only as a stop gap measure, an interval/gap or just a plain plan B. I am afterall a nobody, I don't think I will be called anyway since I have now become somewhat an irregular attendee.
Sigh. I am a terrible Christian, aren't I? I hate myself sometimes.
I guess I will just trust in the Lord then. Just as He provides food for the sparrows and petals as clothings for the lilies, He might just about raise anyone for the cell leadership. I am a nobody. That I must remind myself...:o)
3 comments:
bro, i hope you don't mind me coming in and commenting. if you find that i have encroached into your private space, then let me know. i fully understand. i have not been blogging as much as i want for fear that ppl (read:spouse) will be reading and i will be in deep trouble. so if you have such fear on me reading and commenting, then let me know...i will do the necessary.
there are many thing in my mind right now -
- it's great to see you blogging again, after such a long time.
- the nasi lemak sucks. yea, i didn't have any, but my trained eyes tell me it sucks. but the banana was good.
- I wish to comment on the news that the cell leader is leaving, but i don't think it's worth the time,...the manner this supposedly secretive piece of news 'leaks' out creates much confusion, which IMHO, is unnecessary. but hey, i'm used to this...the last time, we were told to keep her impending resignation from a certain bank in wraps... sound weird to me and others...anyway, different people different peculiarities..., except that this one, it creates much confusion for a simple fact that it come abruptly (and some say prematurely...) and from the mouth of different people..., it's like the story of the Blind Men and Elephant.
- as for the issue of you coming back, let's me just say that a leader does not comes in and assume the position of one. The CL is only as good as the members wants her to be. The growth of the cell, is not due to the CL leadership, i dare to say this. It is God who brings us together into a loving family, and it is God who bind us together as one. If this is just a social group that comes together just for the sake of some common interest, i think the whole group would have been disbanded a long time ago. Personally, i think in our case, a leader is moulded by the members, not raised or trained.
- i want to say to you - "Come back and lead". but i think that's not being truthful enough. what i hope is that you will come back and help us to know you more and vice versa. help out where you can, for those time where you can't, we will come together for you. it may sound too good to you, especially when at the end of the day, it could be me that will give you the most problem...but why worry about the future? it could goes either way...haha...
- Yes, you are a nobody. and you should know better than me the kind of burdens and responsibilities God gives to those who thinks they are 'weak' and 'nobody'....
sorry yah, if you or anyone got offended by my writing, my mind is pretty mess up at this moment time...
siapa lagi?
Dear anon,
I know who you are...:P Need not worry about me. I am just going about ranting sometimes. It is really part and parcel of life...:P
And I do know everyone in cell participated a lot in making it a success; that cannot be denied...:)
Meanwhile, I will see how things go.
huh, talk about ranting ...sigh...i am a terrible ranter...
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