Saturday, 11 December 2010

The Youth is Wasted on the Young

I heard an interesting news yesterday on a 22-year old guy who committed suicide because his ex-gf broke up with him. At the back of my mind, the thing I was thinking was, "The youth is wasted on the young."

Taken from the safety of a sealed window on the 11th floor

The standard thing which many might think like "What about your parents? Have you thought about them?" or "There is a bright future ahead." or even, "There are many fishes out there to fish. Why fret over your ex?"

Actually, aside from reason, we are emotional beings. When sadness overwhelms us, don't we cry? When anger rages inside, don't we go berserk? It is too easy for us to use reasons to justify why one should not commit suicide but to a person emotionally overwhelmed by a sense of loss, do you think they want to hear reasons? Do you think they have not considered all those reasons NOT to die?

My grandpa died 6 months after my grandma. Perhaps he didn't show much affection to her when they are alive (or at least not in public) but his heart was broken when she died. He cried every single night after her death (until his fall in the bathroom which turned him senile). Afterall, they have been together since their teenage years.

I had also secretly and intensely admired someone so for almost 2 years before I shared my feelings for her. Her rejection of my affections (via e-mail), in a cold months of 1998 winter in Adelaide, was too painful to bear. I wanted to talk to somebody, desperately, anybody but when a person you thought was your friend decided to slam the room door at your face because she claimed on pretext she had to study (but clearly, she is avoiding because she thought I had feelings for her) or another whom you thought was a senior decided that solving his homework questions are of utmost importance, what would you do?

Suicide was on my mind actually. I don't have the luxury of doing a 45 minutes countdown via Facebook (it doesn't exist yet) before I jump but clearly, the intent is the same. But the difference is, I let my fear of heights to stop me from jumping. I thought of cutting my wrist but the pain, the pain. I just want to end it quick if I had a choice. So yes, taking pills... taking pills would be easy while I get myself drunk and wallow in my sorrows.

I guess in comparison, at least Alviss Kong had 4 months with his Bin. I only managed to share my feelings.

I didn't die on that cold and lonely night. A vision from God (His hand was holding onto my hand as the world around me collapse) and a random call to somebody (who turned out to be my best friend) I met in cell group (plus the next 6 hours call every night for the next 8 months) actually helped me to get out of the depression I had.

I can only encourage all suicide wannabes to just call somebody, anybody and pour your heart out. And please don't stop at 1 person. Just keep calling and calling. Your friends may not be the most attentive ones but like me, you might meet a stranger who is willing to lend a listening ear.

It is not stupid or silly. Look, having your head smashed and blood splattered all over is a waste. What is spilling your hurt and anger to a listening ear? You may actually end up with a dear friend instead.

The following is a video dedicated by jennysmallghost in remembrance of Alviss Kong. I feel for the deceased and how close it is for me too...

Other postings on the net on Alviss Kong suicide:

- 22 Yrs Old Malaysian Alviss Kong jumped off a building committing suicide after leaving a Facebook Message

- Alviss Kong Left A Facebook Message And Later Committed Suicide: 4 Reasons Why I think He Is Selfish
- A summary of the Alviss Kong tragedy


100wui said...

I didn't know grandpa was crying every night till he died. I only know granpa passed away shortly after grandma.

Did you manage to talk to him?
You are his favourite grandchild. Hope they rest in peace.

myop101 said...

When grandma passed away, we were still staying in the old house and I was back from Australia for about 2-3 months for the summer break. He was crying in his room at the back of the old house every night, grieving alone.

I occasionally talk to him but you knew grandpa right, he is not a talker.

He eventually fell down in the bathroom (can't remember whether it is at the old or new house) when I was i Australia and he was by then a bit senile.

I came back for the winter break (3 weeks). On one of those occasions, I remembered he complained it was painful for his feet to be resting on that feet rest on the wheel chair. So I took his feet away from the feet rest and put it on the floor. He then complained it was painful and wanted to put back on the feet rest. It went back and fro for a few times and I think he thought it was a game. I felt tired after a few rounds and I just ignored him requests after that. In fact, towards the last few days before I left for Australia, he became very angry, impatient and intolerable. I felt at times it was a burden to care for him.

Shortly after, I flew back to Australia. I don't know who saw him in his last days. All I knew of his death was a phone call from my parents after the burial. I cried because of many reasons and one of them was a what if. What if I had treated him better in his last days even though he had such ailment?

He loved all of us the same. He loved both your brother and yourself too. I guess the difference between myself and yourself is that they have always been around me since I was born. So perhaps I am more familiar with their mannerism? Plus grandpa and grandma were from a generation that seldom express their love like how we did it today.

Perhaps you were not aware but grandpa and grandma always looked forward for your family to come back during one of those visits. I can see it in their expressions.

But there is only so much we can do when he was alive. There are regrets, what ifs but it is now over. We have to move on and remember to honour our parents while they are alive.

BrogaHills said...

"Just keep calling and calling..."

i have given up calling others and searching for solution, when i am face with depressive situation and not able to handle my the other half, i just go away to be alone...

it has come to the extend that i feel malu to call ppl close to me hoping they would understand or help. the question is, how possibly would they understand the condition of BPD? and even if they understand, what help could they render?

nothing, i am alone in this. even my mother-in-law just shrug it off when i call her. not a call back, and never worries about us at all. if a mother could show the kind of indifference...what more can you expect from others?

myop101 said...

Dear BrogaHills,

To be honest, going away alone may not be the best solution. I had depressions before and it took me a long while before I dealt with it. But I didn't dealt with it alone. I have a very good friend, who willingly listen to me for hours each day for the next few months until I finally decided, it is time to move on.

To be frank, I am unfamiliar with BPD and how to recover from it.

But to give up on life because the road ahead is difficult is too much of a waste. Try making new friends, friends who do understand. In fact, why not participate in some social activities. Sometimes, when you set your heart and mind to something you are passionate about, you tend to forget your problems. In time, you might reflect back and realise you can deal with your demons while living day-by-day, alive and well.

You are right about expectation from others. I tend to do a lot of things on my own too, but I realised at the end, I am not an island that can exist outside of the world.

BrogaHills said...

A person with BPD has problem relating to others and tend to be very sensitive to others remark.

It's not about making friends, myop1. In fact, it is these social engagement that will cause so much arguments between me and my spouse. It has really created a fear in me to build relationship with others.

myop101 said...

BrogaHills, that would be bad indeed. Are you seeing any doctor?

Like I said earlier, I am not an expert but I do hope I can lend a listening ear. you know whatvis weird?

My friend incidentally posted a YouTube on PDS the same time I last replied you.

Are you and your wife ok?